bamboozebra

It is all these things that I want so badly that I don't want to work for.

I want a better body, but am too lazy.

I want to be organized, but seem to find a way to shove everything in a drawer.

I want a to fix my teeth, but can't find a way to put the money away to do it.


Perhaps I am afraid to be 'okay'.
Afraid to be better.
For fear of what? That I may lose it all again?

Do I subconsciously set myself up to fail?

Do things fall under the guise of "It just doesn't matter." or "I'm good enough how I am."?

Is it egotistical to want more for yourself?

Seems like I haven't posted in LJ in a while....

I loathe what I do for work. It would be one thing if I was able to be creative more often, but I maaaaanaage. I manage people, situations, personalities and junk. I manage papers and directives and phone calls and e-mails. I manage managers. I just want someone to tell ME what to do for a change. Ugh.

I think coming back today sucked.
There it is.
Blew. Wicked hard.

All these people are like, "Oooh David, yeah, like this poster needs to be changed and where should I put the pink panties?"

or,

"David, this new purse came in and I don't know what to do with it."

Yeah?

Why don't you fucking eat it? Eat the fucking prada bag, shove it in your ever-moving mouth, you skanky bitch fuck.

Annnnnd breathe.

See, I don't care so much about all this crap. I try to care, but I don't.
I don't care about being political anymore. About worrying how to say something as to not step on someones toes. Fuck them.

Oh my god.

Who am I?

And here I am, tired again.
I hate my job.
I just completely can't stand the function of it anymore.
I LOVE the people in my store and of course all my other visual peeps, but it is just too much bullshit.

Where oh where is my smoothie stand in Key West???

Just got back from Prototype in Boynton Beach. OHHHH IM SOOOO TIRED. Im having a beer to wash away the day. I sat with Sheree in the minivan and oh wow she needs an off button. She wanted to watch a movie at 6:35am. Im like...can I please get my coffee first???? She reminds me a lot...TOO much of my sister Cathy.

Anyways, glad Im home...now I have the SVP of ready to wear coming tomorrow. Im just not in the mood to shmooz...I did enough of that today.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home from work....challenging day....

Sometimes I hate it....most times..

Wine.

Well, its my last night of peace and quiet. It was so nice last night to just light some candles and listen to some music. I had a few glasses of wine and just chilled. I woke up today completely refreshed. I was thinking last night of how many things that I haven't done sinceI got a roomate. Like painting. I haven't done that in years. Its weird what you don't realize what you give up when your life changes.

Tonight I am making canjun seasoned haddock, rosemary infused basmati rice, steamed asparagus with hollendaise sauce and my favorite red. And then, maybe another night of no tv and music......

Well, I cleaned the house....I am listening to smoothlounge.com off of iTunes and having a glass of wine. I need to do some yoga. I feel like I haven't practiced in so long.

I think I am gonna go soak in the tub for a while and relax. Is that possible anymore??

I have to set up some interviews again for this week and get that job filled. I love how people just think that they can do what we do. You either got it, or you don't. Its just the way that it is. I loved the guy last week that told Kirk that he wished he could have his 'cake job'. Haha...go for it buddy. Its just cuz we make it look so easy. Anyways.

I need to go and iron my clothes for my cake job tomorrow.

So this week at work sucked and I am glad it is over. I am drinking beer.

Beer is good.
Beer is gone.

I don't know what to do with myself this weekend. I have the house to myself until Tuesday. I am SOOO glad he is out in Phoenix. Maybe it will give me a good chance to clean and do my own thing. I need to figure out what the hell I am doing at the end of June with my lease. Ugh.

Tomorrow night is Steves band....that should be fun. It will get me out of the house at least. Just wish I wasn't going by myself.

I love iTunes. Im a downloading whore tonight...

I hate thinking so much.
It wears me out.
I need more friends here in Orlando.
Friends that are MINE.
I should take some of the work people up on their offers to hang out with them.
But I get weird.
What the hell IS that?
Why do I get so weird about things?

I wear me out.

Annnnnd....back to the entry on Dec 6th.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I need to let go of the whole "Boys lie and cheat" thing.

But everytime I do, they lie and cheat.

Hmmm...

Well, the house guest from hell is gone. His wife ended up flying in on Friday night to drive back with him and they left this morning at 4am. Atwood and I took them to Universal yesterday and Atwood bought their tickets. That was really nice of him considering his situation. I ended up entertaining them and buying dinner last night until he got home from work. Brenda was a pleasure to be with. Bill on the other hand, can stay in Texas for all I care. I just don't understand how people can come to your house and stay the week and trash it, and never say thank you. He didn't even thank Atwood for the universal thing yesterday. All he did was bitch the whole time we were there. I never pull this card, but this is MY house and....

Ugh. Im not even going to continue with that one. Its over and thats that but my biggest pet peeve is people who are inconsiderate and thats what frustrates me the most. If someone does something for you, say thank you. If you borrow something, return it in a resonable amout of time. If you open something, close it. Blah blah blah. Like Atwood last night...I bought pizza for his guests and I while Atwood was at work. There were three pieces left...Atwood didn't ask if anyone wanted them, he just ate the rest of it when he got home. But the kicker to all of it is that he didn't get rid of the box. He just left the empty trash sitting on the stove. THATS the shit that pushes me over the edge. Same thing when I cook dinner. I spend a lot of energy preparing and making meals (not to mention $$). If you are going to shovel it down your throat and not say thanks for cooking, at the very least, DO THE DISHES. But never. It never happens.

I guess I get so frustrated because I always try to make sure people are comfortable by ensuring they have what they need and try to make experiences seamless and no one ever does it for me. Ever.

Are my expectations just too high??

I think Im gonna go to the pool.....

(oh, and Atwood managed to lose my digital camera while Bill was here. But why should HE care? It wasn't HIS. Im sure he'll replace it, though......ugh.)

I have been in my room all day long.
Atwood never took into consideration what his house guest would be doing while he was at work.
I feel bad for Bill. Driving all the way from Austin and he gets here and there is nothing planned. All Atwood wants to do is surf the web.
I had plans to take Bill to do the 'tourist' thing today. Downtown Disney, etc., but he stayed in the little room all day and watched the game. Which kind of made me uncomfortable. I tried to strike up conversation when ever he came out to get something to drink or whatever, but he was short and would return to the tent room. I don't think he knows what to do with me. We have both heard stories about each other, however, this is the first time that I have met him even though Atwood has known him for about 15 years.
And why did he drive all the way out here and leave his wife and daughter back in Texas.
I think theres a story there.

Anyways...

I have been obsessed with a portion of Andy Warhols life, a part in te eighties where he meets a guy by the name of Sam Bolton. Sam went to work for Andy at the Factory a year or two before Andy died. Anything I have ever read on Andy tells of all his friends and employees, and where they are now, and what they have done, etc...except for Sam. Nothing says whatever happened to him. I have seen one or two recent pictures by googling him. He appears to be a socialite on the New York scene. But tonight...tonight I found him. He is a special events director for a photographer that used to know Andy. So what do you do when you finally find someone you've been looking for? Well, you e-mail them ofcourse. Ask them what they've been doing for 20 years. What did I have to lose, right?

I spilled coffee today all over the stairs and wall and thats all I can still smell.

Mmmm. Coffee.

I think Atwood and Bill are going out. Atwood wants to head to Daytona to go to Adobe Gillas and the Mai tai bar, but thats a little to far for me to drive even not drinking.
He keeps getting frustrated everytime I tell him to just take him downtown. He says that he doesn't know where to go downtown, but I'm like, just park the car and go to a bar. Its not like downtown Boston for christ sake. Orlando is small.

Whatever. Im going to bed.

This is exactly why I don't take naps when I get home from work. I am WIDE awake.
Im hungry.
Im thirsty.
Im Bored.
Nothings open.
No ones up.
What to do.

Okay...now this has got to be the coolest thing I have ever seen on the web.....
http://www.sr.se/p1/src/sing/index.htm#
Click the play button and then you can enter your own lyrics.....

HOLY CRAP I GOT CARDED FOR LOTTO TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well. Its here.
It is nearing the end of my vacation.
Even though I didn't do too much of anything, it was good. I went through a lot of stuff in my closet and got the house pretty much cleaned for the party. I didn't run as much as I wanted to, but its all good.

Tomorrow I am heading with the fam to Universal IOA for the Grinch thing. Donna loves it every year. Maybe I can get Atwood to go so I will have someone to ride coasters with.

Attys going to work in about an hour so that means that I will have the house to myself for the rest of the day. We talked about going back to that bar again tonight..Wyldes or whatever it was. We had a good time talking to the bartender and watching the drunk guys try to play darts without stabbing each other. The cool thing about towny bars, is that you can just be yourself. I find that when I go to gay bars, its like a big tv show. No...some type of pagent. Everyone is on display and act like they are all trying to win something.
Gimme a good beer and a jukebox, and Im good.

Hmmm...maybe to the pool for a bit...the sun is shining and I don't hear any kids.

Ask and you shall receive.....

" because deep down you truely dont think that you deserve it and that you are not worth it - you mask low self esteem as best you can to make a cute whole package that guys clearly are attracted to - but its just make up covering your wounds that you wont let heal - call me weird and silly - but id bet a thousand bucks on it "

......Thanks, Dave. I really needed someones honesty tonight. You rock.

Why do I have issues talking to guys? What is the big fuckin deal? Why oh WHY can't I just let go and try and be happy? FUCK.

annnd...

...The Billboard music awards really suck. Well at least the performances do. It is crazy that there is someone on there that was at the benefit the other night. I mean, I drank with him. I guess you just don't realize how big people are. Hmm..I DID say I was gonna party like a rock star...woohoo...

I have very few friends.
By choice.
And sometimes I forget.
Forget how fucking awesome those friends are.

-That Cara and I can not talk for months and months or even years and then just call each other and start laughing. Remembering how much we crack each other up.

That Shannon makes me feel like I can just let go and just be crazy and not worry what other people think even though that is my biggest fear.

That Atwood centers and really understands me.

That Nancy will always be there and love me no matter what.-

I forget sometimes how fucking awesome my life is.

I guess if I didn't forget...I wouldn't appreciate remembering.....you guys rock so much.....Thank you.

Holy crap...cyndi lauper was so good...Im so glad we went. Spontaneous concerts are the best. But Jill Sobule rocked even harder (even though I swear she was tweakin) heres a pic....



If I look drunk...then...well...yeah, pretty tanked...the Guiness kicked in at about 1am....ANNNNND made it through a visit the next day !!! I was upfront with Jeff and told him what I did the night before. Told him I got to bed at 4 and he was cool.

Anyways....Atty hopped a flight to keyWest this afternoon so i have the house to myself this weekend...I wonder what kind of trouble I can get into...Hmmmmm...

Oh who am I kidding??

Ugh.